Are you smarter than all your friends? Do they, despite your best efforts to remind them of that fact, still invite you to things? Never fear — here’s a list of costumes that will demonstrate your intellectual superiority in the most offensive way possible, ensuring that you never have to endure another night of trying (and failing) to chat up the Sexy Bumblebee over the punchbowl again:
- Nazi costume? No! It’s a Prince Harry costume. I dyed my hair orange, see? How many Nazi redheads do you think there were?
- Oh, I’m privilege this year. See, it’s a costume party, but I didn’t bother wearing one, secure in the knowledge that, as a white male, my actions will be perceived as the social norm even in a context where they’re a clear outlier. Scary, right?
- It’s not blackface. I mean, it is blackface, but I’m not going as a black person. I’m going as a white minstrel show performer. Historical, see?
- Here. Instead of a costume, I printed out a value chain analysis of every ingredient in that Butterfingers bar, complete with potential chemical side effects and known environmental harms. It was the scariest thing I could think of.
- I’m “the male gaze.” Your costume’s actually a prop in my costume. Nope! Too late! It is! I looked at you, and you can’t do anything about it. You’re a part of a system that hurts us both whether you want to be or not, you little Sexy Bumblebee you.
…and just like that, you’re freed of unwanted social interactions and of having to come up with another stupid costume. Christmas comes early this Halloween! (No, seriously, I think I saw Christmas decorations at Target. I mean, um, at my local artisan and fair-trade handicrafts store. Shit!)