Bear with me a minute here while I work this one out. This is a thought that merits thinking.
I don’t actually like phrases like “Christian sex” or “Biblical families” or any of that, since they’re almost always used in conjunction with an argument that’s neither Christian nor Biblical.
Still, the people who believe in legislating your sex life, whatever religious flavor they happen to come in — they’re not 100% opposed to sex, right? There’s just a particular kind of sex that’s “right sex.”
And unless I’m reading their literature totally wrong, it’s really kinky sex.
Let’s just tic off the bullet points here. What all are the hoops you have to jump through, pun intended, for your carnal relations to be 100% okay with the God-squad these days?
1. Heterosexual. An easy place to start the triage. One man plus one woman equals good sex; any variation on the theme equals bad sex.
1a. Cis-gendered. A necessary footnote to 1. One man who was born with a penis plus one woman who was born with a vagina. You cheaters thought you had a sneaky way out there!
2. Married. Legally bound into a contract of shared property, rights, etc. by the government.
3. Monogamous. If either partner has ever had any other partners, it’s a “bad” relationship, and therefore presumably bad sex. Or maybe adulterers can still have good, lawful, righteous sex, just as someone who’s going to hell for other things? I’ve never been too clear on this one.
4. Procreational. As opposed to recreational (kind of cool how much those look like antonyms even though they’re not, isn’t it?) “Good sex” is unprotected and at least theoretically trying to make a baby; any sex that can’t result in babies is “bad sex.”
4a. Boring. An obvious corollary there is that if you’re doing anything just for fun during the sex, it’s bad. Toys, costumes, roleplaying, etc. don’t make babies, so you they shouldn’t be involved. (Although now that I say it, wouldn’t that make a fetish righteous, if it was necessary for the man to get it up and thereby inseminate the woman?)
So to put it in other terms, if you’re a good God-fearing, Bible-probably-not-actually-reading zealot of the religious right, you can only have sex if:
- It is with a specific physical subset of people that are “your type.”
- If the sex takes place in a framework of rules and authority, with outside enforcement beyond your control.
- It is with one partner whose sexual activity you tightly restrict, and who tightly restricts yours.
- You’re actively thinking about pregnancy and childbirth while you’re doing it.
- You do it a particular way, in a particular position, and not in any others.
I’m just gonna come right out and say it — that shit’s pretty kinky. You’ve got fetishized physicalities, power dynamics, restraint and control play, a really weird and vaguely Oedipal obsession with the womb and/or sperm, and some very specific rules about positioning and mechanics.
You could go to a dungeon party with that list of needs and fit right in.
And hell, even that’s assuming that you’re someone who legitimately enjoys all those things. If you’re making yourself do it because you feel better when you make yourself do things sexually that you don’t like, that’s one more level of kink added in there.
(The guys who snap and start doing it with underaged hookers in truck stop bathrooms are, of course, beyond “kinky” and into “downright criminal,” but I figured I’d be nice and limit this one to the law-abiding but sexually-bizarre Christian right. The point is, that is a specific and fetishy list of erotic needs right there.)
And I’m a-okay with that, between consenting adults who are into it. To each their own. But damn if it’s not just as weird as anything that I and my collection of inventively-shaped silicone “art objects” have gotten up to over the course of my years, and anyone who says otherwise is…well, a little closeted, realistically.