Okay, okay, obvious answer: they’re weirdo perverts who got caught doing weirdo pervert stuff, and neither judges nor juries tend to be sympathetic to that shit, no matter how clever your legal loophole is.
But just once, I want to read the transcripts where one of these guys fights the case all the way.
Take my deer, excuse me, dear old home state of Wisconsin, for example, where back in 2005 a man named Bryan Hathaway found a dead deer by the roadside and made the obvious and logical choice to have sex with it then and there. Charged with “misdemeanor sexual gratification with an animal,” he ended up pleading guilty to “misdemeanor mistreatment of an animal,” despite the fairly obvious argument that the deer was not, in fact, an animal, but rather a corpse, and in no shape to be mistreated worse than it already had been.
Which, absolutely true, right? Not to beat a dead horse here or anything (HEYO!), but we draw a pretty distinct line between living animals and dead corpses. There are sometimes laws about what you can and can’t do with corpses, too, but those didn’t seem to come into play in Mr. Hathaway’s case.
And that’s a shame! I would have liked to see what legal precedent the courts ended up setting if they’d had to make an actual ruling, instead of accepting a guilty plea for a crime that was obviously not committed.
Or here’s another weird one: Jacob Bovia of Maryland, who was arrested after police received multiple complaints about a man exposing his genitals to women on the Anne Arundel Community College campus in Arnold, MD. Only catch was, they weren’t actually his genitals. He was using a fake penis that police discovered in his car.
Initially charged with three counts of indecent exposure, Mr. Bovia ended up pleading guilty to a charge of disorderly conduct and walking away with a probation and a psychological examination. Which, again, talk about a loss to the annals of legal history, right? Oh to be the fly on the wall of the courtroom where they decide whether shaking a dildo out your fly at someone is “exposing” anything or not.
Public perverts of the world, do this humble blogger a favor and fight the case some time, will you? The law is on your side! (But the jury probably won’t be. Just FYI.)