For the record, and should this ever need clarification in the future: Geoffrey Cubbage is a closely-held business legal entity (sole proprietorship), with a Constitutional right to religious expression that cannot be restricted by law, save where the state has a compelling interest and no less-restrictive means of achieving that interest exists.
Taxes, of course, have been firmly established as a “compelling interest,” so the owners of Geoffrey Cubbage will go on reluctantly funding wars, corporate welfare, and other things I find immoral. However, there are a number of other laws that, if enforced, would seem to clearly infringe on my business’s exercise of secular humanism, including but in no way limited to the following examples:
- 1. Disorderly Conduct of Any Kind. As this is the only life I have, celebrating it in my limited time on Earth is a deeply important religious sacrament for me. The Constitution does not protect your right to sleep peacefully through the night, but it does protect my religious observances, even at 3 AM under your bedroom window. Sorry about that. (This is also crucial to my business practice, as my advertising strategy has for years been based around being an unserious, drunken buffoon, and my clients trust me to uphold those values in my daily life. See the entire rest of this blog for evidence.)
- 2. Sexual Restrictions of Any Kind. As someone with a deeply-held lack of belief in any fictional deity telling me that my bits are naughty, legislation based on that non-factual and highly offensive belief is a clear imposition on my religious freedom. Therefore, I trust my business will never be required to in any way censor its publications, public activities, or graphic media, including but not limited to hot shirtless guy pics, smutty stories, or just bangin’ a ladyfriend out in public one day because fuck it, it’s a nice day, and wherever I happen to be is my place of business. (Also bizzzzz-nass.) It should go without saying that I expect boy-whorin’ when times get tough to be similarly protected.
- 3. Punching Supreme Court Justices Right Up In Their Stupid Faces. This is currently a high sacrament of my faith. And don’t think hiding behind that 100-foot buffer zone will save your wrinkled old asses — I know my rights.