Archive for the ‘ Humor ’ Category

Halloween Meta-Costumes to Ensure You Don’t Get Invited Back

prince_harry_naziAre you smarter than all your friends? Do they, despite your best efforts to remind them of that fact, still invite you to things? Never fear — here’s a list of costumes that will demonstrate your intellectual superiority in the most offensive way possible, ensuring that you never have to endure another night of trying (and failing) to chat up the Sexy Bumblebee over the punchbowl again:

  • Nazi costume? No! It’s a Prince Harry costume. I dyed my hair orange, see? How many Nazi redheads do you think there were?
  • Oh, I’m privilege this year. See, it’s a costume party, but I didn’t bother wearing one, secure in the knowledge that, as a white male, my actions will be perceived as the social norm even in a context where they’re a clear outlier. Scary, right?
  • It’s not blackface. I mean, it is blackface, but I’m not going as a black person. I’m going as a white minstrel show performer. Historical, see? 
  • Here. Instead of a costume, I printed out a value chain analysis of every ingredient in that Butterfingers bar, complete with potential chemical side effects and known environmental harms. It was the scariest thing I could think of. 
  • I’m “the male gaze.” Your costume’s actually a prop in my costume. Nope! Too late! It is! I looked at you, and you can’t do anything about it. You’re a part of a system that hurts us both whether you want to be or not, you little Sexy Bumblebee you. 

…and just like that, you’re freed of unwanted social interactions and of having to come up with another stupid costume. Christmas comes early this Halloween! (No, seriously, I think I saw Christmas decorations at Target. I mean, um, at my local artisan and fair-trade handicrafts store. Shit!)

For-Sale Northern EXXXposure Is Everything I Miss About the Northwoods

How often in your life do you get the opportunity to buy a strip club and a fifteen-foot fiberglass badger all in the same go?

Well, you’ve got a chance right now, according to Craigslist, where the Northern EXXXposure Gentleman’s Club is listed for only $275,000. And as someone who used to drive by this place (hem, hem) on my way to work at summer camp, let me just say how happy I am that, for their promotional photo, they went with an exterior shot of the building’s random fiberglass sculptures:

northern-exxxposure-strip-club-badger

Yes, that’s a giant badger looming over a strip club. And a giant squirrel on a giant log in the parking lot. He’s about to dive into the hole, hur hur hur, get it? Or maybe he’s just got wood, whatever, who knows; strip club humor is not picky about these things.

The point is, for your $275,000 you not only get a “recently remodeled in & out” (hur hur hur!) strip club with “employees & good client base” already lined up, you also get…giant plastic mammals. (As opposed to giant plastic mammaries, which you can find inside.)

But wait, as they say in the biz, there’s more! It requires a little reading between the lines, but not that much, because this is the Northwoods and come on: the Craigslist ad also mentions “anything else one could possibly need (including friendly neighbors :) )” — smiley face included.

Which seems a little random and over the top until you take a look at the closest neighbors on Google Maps:

northern-exxxposure-birnamwood-new-life-massage

Ohhhhh. That kind of anything else one could need friendly neighbor, colon-close-parentheses. Say no more.

All in scenic Birnamwood, WI. That’s it, baby…come to Dunsinane! Come right now!

Anyone wanna Kickstart this beaut? I could finally fulfill my lifelong dream of owning a sleazy strip joint called Petey Mort’s. (Get it? Get it?)

My Closely-Held Corporate Religious Beliefs

gavel-and-rosaryFor the record, and should this ever need clarification in the future: Geoffrey Cubbage is a closely-held business legal entity (sole proprietorship), with a Constitutional right to religious expression that cannot be restricted by law, save where the state has a compelling interest and no less-restrictive means of achieving that interest exists.

Taxes, of course, have been firmly established as a “compelling interest,” so the owners of Geoffrey Cubbage will go on reluctantly funding wars, corporate welfare, and other things I find immoral. However, there are a number of other laws that, if enforced, would seem to clearly infringe on my business’s exercise of secular humanism, including but in no way limited to the following examples:

  • 1. Disorderly Conduct of Any Kind. As this is the only life I have, celebrating it in my limited time on Earth is a deeply important religious sacrament for me. The Constitution does not protect your right to sleep peacefully through the night, but it does protect my religious observances, even at 3 AM under your bedroom window. Sorry about that. (This is also crucial to my business practice, as my advertising strategy has for years been based around being an unserious, drunken buffoon, and my clients trust me to uphold those values in my daily life. See the entire rest of this blog for evidence.)
  • 2. Sexual Restrictions of Any Kind. As someone with a deeply-held lack of belief in any fictional deity telling me that my bits are naughty, legislation based on that non-factual and highly offensive belief is a clear imposition on my religious freedom. Therefore, I trust my business will never be required to in any way censor its publications, public activities, or graphic media, including but not limited to hot shirtless guy pics, smutty stories, or just bangin’ a ladyfriend out in public one day because fuck it, it’s a nice day, and wherever I happen to be is my place of business. (Also bizzzzz-nass.) It should go without saying that I expect boy-whorin’ when times get tough to be similarly protected.
  • 3. Punching Supreme Court Justices Right Up In Their Stupid Faces. This is currently a high sacrament of my faith. And don’t think hiding behind that 100-foot buffer zone will save your wrinkled old asses — I know my rights.

From the “You’re Doing It Wrong” Files

I’m not a botanist or anything, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t need to worry, here:

no-dogs-on-grass-doing-it-wrong

Science Ruins Everything: “Hedgehog Cleavage” Neither Adorable Nor Sexy

Time was you could rely on the internet for things like, say (just to pick an example at random), photo collections of scantily-clad women cuddling hedgehogs. Who wouldn’t expect to find that when Google Image searching the phrase “hedgehog cleavage” for totally innocuous reasons?

(With SafeSearch turned off, obviously. Does anyone actually use SafeSearch?)

But apparently some fuckin’ nerds ruined all that for us back in the 80s, when a couple of fruit fly geneticists working on something called the “Hh gene” thought it would be cute to start calling in the “hedgehog gene” because it was kind of spiky looking, and also Hh. And I guess genes do something called cleavage some of the time? Whatever. Science.

And that’s why, when you google “hedgehog cleavage” like a totally normal person would obviously want to, all the time, duh, this is what you get:

hedgehog-cleavage-google-search

Thanks, science guys. Do you know how hard it is to make the internet NOT about tits? You deserve a frickin’ Nobel just for pulling that one off.

“When extracellular Hh is present (Figure 3), it binds to and inhibits Patched, allowing Smoothened to accumulate and inhibit the proteolytic cleavage of the Ci protein.” 

Yeah. Hedgehog cleavage. So sexy and cute. Thhpppppppttt. 

Stop Trying to Remember Your Security Questions With This One Easy Trick!

huge.49.247737My memories, especially my childhood memories, have a lot of holes in them: some from the simple passage of time; others put there by subconscious repression and/or the deliberate and conscious application of strong drink.

We all do what we gotta to get by.

That makes personal identification via the answering of quirky childhood trivia a dubious security protocol at best. A dedicated and criminal researcher bent on stealing my identity could almost assuredly learn more about my past with a couple hours on Google than I can remember on my own.

It’s okay, though. I’ve found a trick for dealing with those goddamn security questions.

Pick a word you like. Pick any word you like. Now, use that word as the answer to every freaking security question you’re asked to select, regardless of whether it makes sense or not. Bonus points if it’s a rude word.

First pet’s name? Fartcheeks. Childhood best friend? Fartcheeks. Favorite sports team? The New York Motherfucking Fartcheeks.

Do not be tempted to stray. Just pick something arbitrary and slap that bastard in every blank space.

Which are you more likely to remember? Your second grade teacher’s maiden name, or that you put “Fartcheeks” down as your second grade teacher’s maiden name when Healthcare.gov asked you for eighty bajillion security question answers?

Motherfuckin’ fartcheeks. Trust me on this one.

(DISCLAIMER: If you’re trying to steal my identity, I don’t actually use “fartcheeks.” But it’s something along those lines. Just keep plugging in rude sounds; you’ll get there eventually.)

 

The “Blue Dragon” Glaucus Atlanticus, While Beautiful, Is Not a Good Fursonality

You may have seen one of these floating around Facebook recently (or around the oceans of the world, if you live a much cooler life than I do): the Glaucus atlanticus sea slug.

blue-dragon-sea-slug-glaucus-atlanticus

Gorgeous, isn’t it?

That’s a real critter, with some very weird biology: it drifts around the ocean, nibbles off the top of other soft-and-drifty sea life, and in the case of the poisonous ones (like the Portugese man o’war, which it loves to eat) stores the larger creature’s toxin-bearing nematocysts in specialized sacs at the tips of those beautiful blue feathery “fingers” you see in the picture above.

That means pictures like this one are incredibly stupid, since the beautiful, alien-looking slug in question might or might not be able to deliver a powerful jolt of venom when picked up, depending on what it’s been noshing lately:

blue-dragon-sea-slug-glaucus-in-hand

But at any rate, it’s rare and beautiful and has “dragon” in one of its common names, and this is the internet, so of course people have made furries out of them.

glaucus-atlanticus-sea-slug-furry

(As usual, I’ve left the most explicit examples out. Feel free to Google around if you want to see similar drawings with humanish naughty bits exposed.)

Which really begs the question: if you are into anthropomorphized animals in a sexy way, and part of that thrill is giving characters the identifying characteristics/attributes of their “template” species, what the fuck do you do with a G. atlanticus?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not seeing the fact that, like most slugs, G. atlanticus is hermaphroditic as a turn-off for the target market here. I know the internet better than that. I’m just curious how you make “functionally brainless, floats wherever the current takes it; often attacks much larger and deadlier creatures” into a compelling human personality. A drunken hobo that picks fights with biker gangs, maybe?

Let this one go, boys and girls. The “blue dragon” is beautiful, and has a very nerdy name, but it is not your go-to “fursonality.” Trust me on this one.

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