OMG Sick, also Search Terms
Back when I was a reckless teenager and working at Boy Scout camp we used to do a shot of Ny-Quil mixed with Jagermeister; we called it a wise man, I can only assume ironically. I’ve been gunshy of Ny-Quil ever since, so taking a big ol’ swig of it ten, fifteen minutes ago is my final concession that I am sick like a motherfucker.
"The Author and His Ny-Quil"
And that was going to be my Friday post, but I noticed WordPress revamped my stats pages and immediately spent an profitless half-hour clicking on shit I’d already looked at and hadn’t changed beyond the superficial graphics. I thought I would share the funny parts with you and then drink ramen noodle soup with like a gallon of Tabasco in it, and then maybe die.
So let’s talk search terms. Most people know that these shrimp flavored ramen break are important in deciding how to get more traffic: you look at what people are searching for the most and pander shamelessly. That’s the traffic-driven approach, at any rate. I think I maybe do things a little differently, but I’m out of my head on Ny-Quil so it’s hard to say. Anyway, my most common incoming search terms are reassuringly me-centric, starting with “misanthropology 101″ and immediately following it up with “misanthropology” and “geoffrey cubbage.” Good work you guys!
Following those, the search that directed the most traffic to my site is “can you grow lime trees in russia?” Question mark is included in the search; people have apparently been very specific in acknowledging their ignorance. My single post in going on a year now that mentions lime tree was an acknowledgment of my own ignorance on the subject, of course, but I’m glad people are coming here and I hope the lesson is obvious: write about shit so obscure that you’re the only search result for it. If you want traffic, anyway. That doesn’t care about your actual content and probably won’t come back because you’re not, in fact, an expert on Russian lime trees. Bad strategy, maybe? More soup; more Ny-Quil.
Anyway. Regular readers will be happy to know that the next five or six leading search terms for Misanthropology 101 all relate to alcohol and alcoholism, after which come the ones I can only think of as sheer nonsense. “Why are so many writers alcoholics” at least makes sense; “fairy dishwasher” — while I can see how it would get you here — is just not a thing I think of people as Googling very often. And I sincerely hope the flesh-collector who searched for “101 new ears resolution” has sought professional help (if you’re reading this please don’t collect my ears). Other enjoyable tidbits:
“how to be good writing” — we’ve got a long way to go with you, sir or madam.
“20 under 40,” “top 20 under 40,” “new yorker 20 under 40″ and my personal favorite variation “top 10 under 40″ — Really, guys, that shit does not bear this much thinking on.
“rifts rpg flying motorcycle” — No, they’re not talking about a Rocket Propelled Grenade, although the game does include stats for a couple of those. Man that was a good way to waste my childhood.
“how do i keep my wordpress from be” — I sincerely hope I was useful, whatever the actual issue was here.
“fuck yeah misanthropology” — I am inordinately flattered.
“ayn rand overrated,” “tolkien overrated,” etc. — This remains one of my most popular posts, though still second to The Hunks of the Western Literature Canon. But more people searched for it, indicating to me that people interested in hunks already knew exactly where to come. That’s right, baby. Sexy men here.
Oh my god, sick. I’m drinking more Ny-Quil and going to bed.
I have had a wild run of people searching for all things related to paraprosdokian phrases, getting hundreds of hits on it a week. Before that it was xenocide, go figure!
Take care, easy on the Nyquil.